According to the Centers for Disease Control, about 10 percent of women in the United States ages 15-44 experience difficulty getting or staying pregnant. This coming week we are honored to hear the stories of three women as they share the highs and lows of their infertility journeys.
CHELSEA’S STORY
“I’m so sorry to tell you, you’re experiencing another miscarriage.”
The nurse paused on the phone, waiting a moment to give me space for my tears and sigh.
“You will discontinue all medications and come back in to talk to the doctor next week.”
I hung up the phone, deflated, knowing another difficult call to my husband needed to be made, dreading the sorrow and loss that was setting in.
Our story started off like many. We met, fell in love, got married, and wanted to start a family. What seemed easy on paper became unbearably difficult and something that’s seldom talked about, yet something that many couples face. Our journey towards starting family revolved around one ugly word: infertility.
My husband Josh and I married in 2005 and a few years into our marriage, we had the conversation many couple have: “when should we start our family?” Growing up, I had struggled with irregular periods, but wasn’t informed that this irregularity would influence my fertility and after trying to get pregnant for a year, was diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. After trying a few basic interventions that resulted in continued failed cycles, we began to get more aggressive with our treatments. Clomid. Femara. Intrauterine Inseminations. Surgeries. Tests. We were beginning to run out of options. This was a huge glitch in our plans. How were we supposed to cope with this?
Our hearts were heavy. We were in the season of life where we had been married for 7 years and had spent 4 of them trying to get pregnant. Everyone around us was adding a second or third child to their family, while we were desperate to add just one. This season of infertility felt lonely, isolating, and hopeless. My strength felt sucked dry, it just wasn’t right. Everything hurt.
After prayer and conversation, we decided that we would try invitro fertilization, also known as IVF. The financial barriers to fertility treatments are exhausting, but we took the step of faith and in 2012, received the phone call. It had worked, we were pregnant!On Christmas day, after sharing the news of our first, long anticipated pregnancy with our families, I began to miscarry. And for us, our world began to mix with sloppy, unending grief on this very special day. We did what so many couples do – we threw a smile on our face, afraid to let anyone know how much we were aching, afraid to even acknowledge the pain and sorrow too deeply ourselves.
We tried IVF again, this time, with no success. We had additional frozen embryos available from our first two cycles, so we tried again using them. It worked. We were pregnant. And then, like a cruel joke, suddenly, we were not. Riding the rollercoaster made us to shove the grief aside and try again, but our last and final embryo failed and we were back where we started, childless on earth yet parents at heart.We paused. Time stopped. We continued to go through the motions of life, showing up at the baby showers and visiting new parents in the hospital. On the side, we were scheduling surgeries to see if we missed something evident, trying to find the magic answer that would solve the problems we were facing.
We took over a year off. We tried not to think about it, although if you’ve been through it yourself, you know that’s impossible. The grief was sticky and all consuming. My dreams of having a family were constantly hanging over a cliff and I spent nearly every night wondering if I was ever going to snatch them back, or if I would have to watch them fall away forever.
Two years later, we got pregnant again. And lost the baby.
Our story doesn’t stop there. We continued to wait, pray, and hope, a delicate emotion that’s fragile in the midst of infertility and pregnancy loss. In 2016, nearly a decade from the start of our journey, we found out we were once again pregnant … and unlike the others, the days of pregnancy continued. And the words “you’re pregnant” turned into the words “you’re pregnant with twins.” In 2017, we welcomed Kirsten Joy and Logan Adam into our family. God answered our prayers in a way we could have never imagined, far better than we could have ever prayed. The decade of waiting resulted in a miracle that many had given up on seeing.
Friends, let’s put it out there – infertility sucks. Our story has been hard and for many of you reading this today, you have your own hard story. Maybe you’ve never struggled with infertility, but loved someone who has. Or maybe you have walked this path yourself and understand the tears, grief, aching, and the lack of support on this taboo subject.
I believe in even in the waiting, even in the struggles of infertility, we are never really alone. Perhaps, like us, you cling to your faith, or maybe it’s a community around you. But regardless, our stories are what make life worth living and develop strength we never knew possible. Some emotional things that made infertility more bearable: leaning into my relationship with God and inviting Him into the struggle; finding others who were going through it too – the Instagram #ttccommunity is great for that!; being open about our journey on my blog, Trials Bring Joy, in hopes that others could share empathy and support with us; and staying positive with gratitude journals and thinking “when”, not “if”.
Some practical things that made infertility more bearable: awesome websites, like FertilityIQ.com, that not only has tons of understandable educational articles, but also gave me a place to share my voice on my experiences with certain clinics and read others experiences as well; books – I have a link on my blog of some of my favorites; and a infertility warrior playlist on Spotify that could bring me out of any funk and empower me to keep fighting.
As the holidays approach and if you are reading this today and understand the emotions, know you are seen. You are entering into the season of going through the motions – baking the cookies, stuffing the stockings, battling the malls, singing the carols, lighting the candles at church. Inside your heart is breaking and you are wondering what the future holds. Know you are seen. Your pain is understood. You are not alone and you are deeply cared for, not just by those around you, but even by this stranger on the other side of the screen today. I got your back girl, and will continue to carry the hope for you that your miracle is possible too.
Read part two of our “Journeys of Infertility” series on Monday, December 10th when Stacy tells her amazing story of surrogacy.
Chelsea is a Midwestern girl who loves connecting with others about infertility, motherhood, and living authentically. She’s been married to Josh for over 13 years and recently welcomed twins, Kirsten and Logan, to their family after nearly a decade of waiting and multiple pregnancy losses. Chelsea loves a good cup of coffee, a cozy bookshop and mindless reality TV – preferably all in leggings! She values engaging her faith and embracing difficult seasons with joy.
